At the risk of sounding like I complain all the time (although I know I do a lot — I am working on it)… My husband and I comfort each other with that phrase any time the kids are so demanding that we feel our hair frazzling to a dull grey (more recently, during cold-and-cough season, when both my kids required medicine given via nebulizer — basically a child’s version of an inhaler).

"Quack Quack Medicine"

So… 8 times a day I held a sometimes-complacent, often not, child on my lap and administered the prescribed innoculation through the freshly sterilized-between-each-breathing-treatment…. yeah I can’t finish that thought anymore.

"Dinosaur Medicine"

At least the meds worked! But with no time to do any of my normal routine and also no visitors/extra trips out, well — you get the idea.  Some folks can give me a HOLLA I’m sure.  It gets old real fast, right?

So… “It won’t be like this forever.  This too shall pass.”   It helped a lot.  It became our mantra.  We said it the most often when *I* got sick on top of it.

But, I can’t use that phrase anymore now, because of a stupid country song… made me cry my eyes out today.  GRILLED CHEESUS.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.  SIGH.

I was actually holding my 2-yr-old right when it played, after an afternoon of splashing in really cold water and “help” with raking leaves, and herding our family’s new rooster (yeah, I’ll blog about him later) away from the fire.

My awesome child was tuckered out and had just sweetly fussed himself to sleep on my lap.  So the timing… was… hateful.  I did not need that hurt in my heart today!  THANKS A LOT, DARIUS RUCKER.

SIGH AGAIN.

Thanks for reading, Friends.

After having my first baby, there came a season of  mental “re-training” — I had to realize that it wasn’t going to be so hard anymore to do things.  My body and brain started coming back, and I had to relearn how to use them in a non-pregnant way.  Anyone hear me on this?

With my first post-partum, I had no idea this issue even existed.  I just did not remember anymore what it felt like to be interested in cleaning, or maintaining some chore. I didn’t know it could be easy anymore to flirt with my husband.  There was no hope for our front porch or any other area which I had signed up to take care of in our married life.

Granted, that is not everyone’s pregnancy story (I don’t want to scare people away from having kids).  Nevertheless I think Snow White’s brain made a much faster return-to-normalcy after her coma than mine did.

It cracks me up: there were moments upon moments of “Aha!  It only took me five minutes to _________, and I’m not exhausted!”   Make some tea, put dishes away, clean an area, play with my child, whatever.  You name it.

So, the second-pregnancy-around, I came prepared.  (I thought.)  I talked myself through decisions to stop caring about my shaved legs by saying: “In a few months, I will do that again, but for now I won’t worry about it.”  I knew that I would return from the ride and eventually be myself again.

Uh…. yeah….. I forgot that this time I would have: “Two!  Two precious angels!  Ah – Ah – Ah!”  (Please tell me you get that reference.)  It’s not that I’m complaining.  I actually, if anything, would complain that I can’t seem to get over the change to two toddler/babies and keep smacking my head like a moron into the wall of “what I WANT to do.”  Again, anyone hear me on this?  I know I’m not alone or stupid in this, but dang.

So… here we are…. seven months in and I am finally getting some progress on my mental switch.  Anyway…. here’s to learning to taking it EVEN EASIER on myself and accepting the new normal.  My Father-God seems to know just how to embrace me in it, too.  I have to work a little at listening to His Voice instead of the inner-critical one that likes to play on me.

So… Proud-a-me?  Yes.

Is progress really that important?  Not always, no, not really.

Is it perfect?  Definitely not!

Is it still good?  Hell-to-the-yeah.

So, thanks, Lord, for helping through this next reprocessing/readjusting phase.  Thanks for helping me figure out the new normal.  And thanks for friends and family (and an amazing husband) who help and encourage along the way.  Help me to rest fully in Your overshadowing grace and love and excitement about my life!

Thanks for reading, Friends.

1. Entertain a child with what entertains you.  This is obvious to some, but honestly I go by the children’s theater rule-of-thumb: if the kids are being quiet, it really is a good show.  I use this mindset to gauge how much I like/dislike a program or activity I’m doing with my kids.  If I can’t enter into the fun with them, even by trying, and they aren’t really glued to it either, I let it go… even if it’s supposedly good/made for kids.   No thanks, I’ll teach my toddler how to bake.  The neat thing is, my child often returns the favor, and shows me how to enjoy what he enjoys.

2. A stage trick: Talking softly.  If I talk loudly over a rowdy group of kids, they’ll just get louder too.  The quieter I get, the quieter they’ll get so they can hear me.  It works with my toddler all the time.  Now if I can only remember to do it…

3. When being loud is necessary: project properly, so you don’t ruin your voice.  All those years of voice lessons and voice-for-the-actor really have come in handy in regard to being in touch with my voice.  I rarely hurt my voice.  In fact, if I do hurt my voice, it is an immediate reminder to calm down and take a few deep breaths.  A quick tip for anyone who has a hurting voice right now: Start humming and yawn while you do it, up and down your voice register.  Go sit outside for a minute.  Drink some pineapple juice or chamomile tea, and say a prayer for a bit.  Let God show you how He sees you.  You’d be surprised at how this helps!

4. Know what refreshes you, and do it!  Speaking of voice/music lessons: I love singing to my kids and over my kitchen sink while doing dishes…. worshiping, singing harmony to songs….  The idea here is doing something fun for yourself. I’m not talking about shopping or listening to music, although those are very important!  I’m talking about slowing down and finding life in a personal way.  This might change with the seasons!  Many people push through hard times without finding something to enjoy around them.

5. Don’t overdo it.   Now, here’s another given: as a theatre person, Halloween is a cinch.  That goes for Christmas and Easter… heck, Chick-Fil-A day too.  Now, the problem is that I can easily demand too much from myself in that area, as a result.  So, skip it once in a while (we skipped Halloween this year)!  It finally really depends on how much time/energy I have.  Proud-a-me.  Anyone hear me on that one?  Can I get an ‘Amen!’

6. Teach yourself how to sew.  It’s easy!  Put a needle and thread together and mend something.  You will save yourself so much money!  I can dye and sew from being in theatre – and half the time I can even just slap something together with a homemade design or pattern.  Don’t be afraid to try!  You’d be surprised at how the creative juices start flowing.  It ‘s not always durable or perfect, but it’ll usually work for now.  And it always means we can make that shirt last a little longer.

7. Use Carpenter’s glue.  I learned in theatre that glue is what really holds sets together.  Screws just hold things in place until the glue sets.  So whether you’re making a craft or putting together stuff from Ikea — if you use Carpenter’s glue to reinforce the joints, your work will last a lot longer.

8. It is possible to do really great work on a dime or less.  In theatre it’s called a “gypsy run” — doing a show with the bare necessities: black clothes for costumes, chairs for sets, and a single light on the stage (or whatever you’ve got).  It comes in handy with a small budget.  I do get tired of this at times, but can usually find the occasional recharge I need from some small idea/need I come across.  Sometimes I watch the DIY network while visiting my MIL, but other times I find a spark lighting if I will just sit there and brainstorm: what will work?  What will work?   And if all else fails, try Goodwill.

9. How to do a lot on a little sleep.  It is no secret that theatre people often work all hours to get a show ready.  I know, I know… many college folks and other folks do this too.  But how many of them do it with FUN and an occasional Diva moment?!  HAHA!  Give yourself that flair you want to feel special.  Dress up for the day, or sing songs while you work or play with your kids.  Don’t just trudge through.  And remember, it’s not the hours you put in your work, it’s the work you put in your hours.  Play hard!

10. Allow for a measure of self-acceptance when opening night comes. There is something about that final-moment-before-the-curtain-goes-up that brings a certain glimmer of excitement to the air, even if things have been stressful — and is something to look forward to.  I find myself the most determined, and the most forgiving of myself, the closer I get to being finished.  It’s as though a little fairy-dust has been tossed into the air.. or is it the dust of heavenly grace?  Perhaps it is on the stage I learned that particular art of encouraging myself and others the harder things get or the closer we are to being done.  Then, it’s just “letting go and going with what you’ve been able to get together.”  Either way, I love having that spirit about me as I work at home.  Sometimes, it allows me to just plop down and relax, when all else says I should freak out and scramble.

The End!  So let me sum up… surely others in similar shoes must learn the same skills, whether they tap, twirl or just shuffle along in their fuzzy bunny slippers.  I just happen to love how my theatre background has been what came in handy for me, in this particular role (pun intended)!  Funny, since I ended up studying theatre, but not going into theatre full-time.  God knew, huh?  He is so good.  :-)

Thanks for reading, Friends.

I definitely have my moments where I just want to scream and cry.  I love having children, and they are so beautiful to me, but when they bounce back and forth on who is screeching or fussing, or when they won’t go to sleep, or when they must have MAMA… I can feel a little too spread thin and too tired and… how does that line in the book ‘Captivating’ go?  ”Too much and not enough, all at the same time.”  Something like that.  My emotions and needs are too much for me to handle, and I am not enough.

Bless her heart...

So as I have gone forward into the fray, I have asked God more and more how to handle these moments.  I have gotten prayer… it’s been a good journey and an exciting one too.

I find there is always one card I can have in my back pocket.  Say I can’t think or I can only cry or I just want to sleep… as happens as a Mommy, especially one who is still not quite fully recovered from pregnancy/birth: I can pray.

When all the ideas on the web and all the Scriptures in the Word and all the great advice FAILS to come to mind, because, let’s face it, MY MIND IS TIRED and refuses to cooperate a lot of the time, I am learning to sit back, relax, let the children scream or fuss or myself be overwhelmed or whatever it is, for a moment, and start to pray.  I go “God, I don’t know what to do.  HELP!”  In the words of Joyce Meyer, “I am such a mess! HELP!”  And I wait.  I don’t act until I hear from him.

It works.

Inevitably, a few moments may pass or a split second, but God shows me the next step.  It’s amazing.  I can calmly try that, and sometimes I have to repeat the process.  Other times, I find myself crying first before I can try anything.  But it works.  God clears up my heart, and fills in the blanks so I am no longer “too much and not enough at the same time.”  He heals my hungry heart for that moment, and walks (or carries) me through it.

It’s amazing.  You should try it.  I bet it doesn’t work for only new Mommies.

Thanks for reading, Friends.

That's Better...

My Daughter and I

For my husband and me, the “curse of childbirth” (in the Bible) is real.  Ain’t no way around it.  We live in a broken world, with sinful people and broken bodies and an imperfect earth.  My husband and I don’t trust the human aspect of this equation as though it is some sort of all-perfect religious equation that can be left alone to work perfectly at all times… and I am not a cow or a dog, able to have the baby in a hall closet and unfortunate to lose if I die.  I am a human, much more important by our standards, and the risks are not just physcial — there are spiritual and emotional ones involved, for my husband and me.

Hubby and I with our Son

I wanted what is best for my baby, and for me (this addendum had to be taught me by others before I would admit it…. I used to think just the baby was important… but I am too).  ”Healthy Baby, Healthy Mama,” as the saying goes.  So… my husband and I quickly found ourselves in the midst of a cultural upheaval, to say the least, here in the states, about childbirth.

From the homebirth/natural childbirth side: Many parents are turning to homebirth in the midst of legal-hassle-led and OB-oriented hospital-childbirth.  They want to be able to relax in childbirth (which lends itself incredibly toward healthy childbirth).  They want to know that something will not be pushed on them in the middle of labor or even toward the end of pregnancy, all too common, which could ultimately lead to complications.  Many parents are faced with completely unnecessary surgical deliveries, which can interrupt the nursing process and endanger the incredibly important bond between babies and mothers or lend itself to even other complications.

With my Baby Boy

From their parental standpoint, there are so many things which could go wrong and not be in their control due to the hospital’s or OB’s interference… and if these can be avoided, then childbirth will likely go better overall for the mother and the baby.  Sure, some folks get wrapped up in the childbirth experience itself, but not everyone does… I hope.  But what’s wrong with wanting the best experience possible, sans the risk factors?

Then there’s the doctor and hospital side of things:  they are doing their job with the advanced ability that medicine has to offer!  What could be seen as unnecessary, they still do not have the luxury of taking the chance over — because they have seen and do see the few times when that small percentage of risk became a reality.  Save the Mama and the Baby — that’s their job.  By the way Doc, don’t get sued: cover your rear end.  The risks are likely not to affect THIS patient, so forgive them when they get in your face about your interference, but if something DID go wrong, you are the one to blame.  Poor doctors!  No wonder some of these human beings — because that is what they are after all, not automatons — get into a mode of “do it my way or the highway.”  Why shouldn’t they?  Same goes for the hospital.

Our hospital/church friend with Baby Girl

But in many cases the pendulum swings too far, and before it can come back, the damage is done to hundreds of thousands… parents endure awful birth experiences.  Doctors find themselves incredibly liable — yet many still take that responsibility even if it means they can’t do some of the next advancement of medically proven childbirth.  So there are losses on both sides.

SIGH.

In the face of our first pregnancy, after the debate and the research (which we wanted to make sure was not slanted one way or the other by the source… and we don’t just read stuff on the internet!!!) we decided we did NOT want to take the risk of having a child at home.  Say something did go wrong…. did we want that on our heads if we had to get to a hospital and couldn’t get treated in time?  No way.  So hospital birth it was, and we asked the Lord for a good doctor.  We found one.  He was on the cautious side, but he was a good captain to have for this ship.

Waiting for the end, on bedrest, #1 pregnancy

Labor began.  I happened to go into labor already exhausted from hypertension-watch and intense swelling.  After hours of waiting, painful labor, epidural, more waiting… sleeping and rest, what a gift!  Nothing happened… we crossed the line of time where infection was now a risk… more waiting… our doctor was very gracious, trusting us not to sue his rear end should something go wrong because we asked for more time… finally, a decision was made.

Me and my Doctor

And I ended in c-section for my first birth.  Was it a failure?  No.  My baby was born, healthy,  alive.  I walked away, healthy, alive.  Why did it feel like a failure?  Thinking over a situation to see how you could have done it differently, for future reference, can be good.  However, my thinking over it instantly became a menagerie of second-guessing (as though we didn’t do the best we could with the time and awareness we had).  Add to that an incredible disruption of my bond with my baby due to infection and surgery recovery.  Then it took three months to get him to nurse properly and get him off of formula.  The c-section was hard to recover from, and we moved, which made it harder to really rest.

With my Son after c-sect.

I became obsessed with the fear that my friends who believed in childbirth at home or even just natural childbirth would think I was a fool and caused this all to happen.  I was afraid to talk to them about it, the very people I should have been able to open up to for support.  My fears became supported by their sidelong glances as they discussed their natural childbirth experiences or plans.  Even though they might have just been acknowledging we disagree on the subject, I immediately felt as though I had been condemned to walk a lonely path of never talking about the subject in their company since they could only assume (in my perception) that my c-section was my problem since I didn’t listen to them in the first place (as though any of them even thought that).  Never mind that if they truly felt that way, it was their problem and not mine!  I had a hard time drawing that line.

Working with Baby Boy

My body felt a natural loss over the physical anticipation of childbirth.  Like being told I would be climbing a mountain only to find my leg broken and being carried over it instead.  I didn’t know how to still feel the victory of the summit and descent when my body hadn’t done anything the way I had expected it to do.  Or a better analogy: I learned chess as best I could, sat down to play, made the best choices I could, and still “lost.”

There was this overhanging feeling that somehow I could have been a master of the situation and had a different outcome.  I believe now that is a lie from the pits of hell.  Childbirth is no different than any other situation in life: we do the best we can, learn from our mistakes, roll with the punches, and play the hand we’re dealt.  To think we have some sort of true ability to avoid all mistakes and control the outcome to any extent is fallacy.

Sleeping Prince

Older and wiser women as well as the folks we turned to as experts, all encouraged us that we had done our best and the baby and I were both fine.  But my heart wondered.  I struggled with wondering whether I could have done a better job with my infant if I hadn’t had to recover from a c-section, maybe I could have tried to push harder, maybe the hospital and doctor weren’t really looking out for me, maybe I could have this or that or the other…. and after a year I was still hurting, lost in the maze of disappointment and confusion about what was really best.  I went round and round about it emotionally.

Why do doctors and natural birth folks disagree so much?  I wondered.  Why can’t they work together?  Why couldn’t I be stronger, smarter, more able, more confident, more decisive, you name it?  Add to that the hormones, my God the hormones!!!  Add to that the guilt about struggling about all this, when my Baby is Healthy!  And So Am I!

Still waiting to heal -- inside.

So…. when my next pregnancy came along (yes, we dared try again!!!  Even with all that on my emotional plate)… my husband and I thought we would approach the same safety desire with as much care as we could.  We decided to talk with our doctor, get his feedback, hear his side, and discuss our concerns.  He talked about how he’d done a lot to set me up for a healthy recovery and thought I’d be able to do a VBAC.  He was quick to support my desire to try for a more natural birth.  I wanted to have more support to handle labor, so we hired a doula who believed strongly in natural childbirth but supported our desire to have the safety factor of a hospital.  We asked the hospital and our contacts there for help with managing the post-delivery, no matter what happened.  We asked for prayer.  We got counseling for me with my fears and hurts about the previous experience.  We decided to put it behind us and trust our doctor and ourselves to do the best we could.  And we did.  Thankfully, the VBAC was successful.  I felt incredible, and had a renewed sense of confidence in myself, let alone my body.  The process was very healing this time, even though I think it would have been even if we’d had a c-section again.

With Baby Girl, post-VBAC

We did all of this in the face of many people throwing more info at us about how homebirth or natural childbirth could be the best thing for us… but we stuck to our instincts (which is what they would do in our shoes, right? Even if they chose something else?) and ultimately our decisions.  We even did this in the face of others telling us we were putting too much emphasis on this part of it anyway, that a planned c-section would be better.

My Mom, one of my prayer supporters

As I went through this process, I learned a few things.  I learned that God cared about how I felt.  Even if there are worse things happening in the world!!! I learned I had so much more to learn about birthing, and how births really are all so different — like fingerprints!  Even though I had learned so much in advance of my first pregnancy/delivery, I learned again as much or more this time.  Picking up things here and there, I found my first birth actually, really, indeed, had likely NEEDED a c-section (what an incredible thing to be able to learn, even though I felt I had been able to put it behind me already).  Thank God I was able to have a c-section, then!  I learned how wonderfully my hospital and doctor performed, considering some of the stories out there.

Resting at Home

I learned to come to grips with the fact that there could always be things which I could second guess or have go wrong that I could not control.  Including death.  I learned that the controversy lies far deeper than just a discussion here and there… it will take some very brave people, like me, trying to help blend the middle line so that these two worlds can come together and truly start working together.  I learned how unique that makes me.  I learned how awesome it can be to completely disagree with someone else about birthing choices and still have a great friendship.

I also learned how thankful I am that we DO have the choice to have a hospital birth if we need it, a sterile one, a controlled (to a certain extent) one, a safer one than so many women/parents have had for centuries.

With my Son, one month after Baby Girl was born

I learned how God was there all along, working to comfort me and help heal me of the hurt that this process did to me (here in His originally-beautifully-designed-world which has fallen to brokenness of all kinds).  I drew closer to Him because of it.  And last, but not least, I learned how I can trust Him to help me through the future struggles I may have in childbirth, or in life, just like this, or even if they’re harder.

Thank you, Lord, for childbirth!!!

With my Daughter

Two Littlest

Many say, Oh, that we might see some good!  Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O Lord.  /  You have put more joy and rejoicing in my heart than [they know] when their wheat and new wine have yielded abundantly.  Psalm 4:6-7, Amplified Bible.

At the times when I am so stressed I just want to lose it, or at the times I wonder, was I crazy to have two children under the age of two?  (my answer is no); when the laundry piles up and I can’t find anything… when I just want to watch an adult’s program on TV… when I just need to lie still and sleep a little longer… at those times, the verse above speaks to me.  I might find myself saying the first part (the complaint), and can then hold on to the truth in the second part (the rejoicing).

Six years ago, I thought I’d NEVER get to have kids.  I believed I would never meet anyone and be able to marry; that I would be alone so long that parts of my heart might embitter themselves permanently.  Even the Scriptures say “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), and I felt pretty awful at that point.  I rooted down where I could, with a community of people who seemed to have some goodness and godliness, but all the same I yearned for more.  I could go on, but if you’ve been there, or are there, you don’t need me to, now do you!?

When I remember where I was then and see where I am now, I know I am truly blessed.  I see the health (in spite of the semi-chaos or hormonal upheaval) and I see the beauty.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t walk around in constant negativity.  I’m just processing the difficult moments and extreme satisfaction I am experiencing!

There is a baffling bittersweetness here: experiencing stress, but also deep peace.   Frustrated, but also overwhelmed with incredulity, joy and humble thankfulness.  This always reminds me of that scene in 50 First Dates where Drew Barrymore’s character wakes up to find herself married with a beautiful child and incredible view out her window.  She’s at once both scared and intensely thrilled.  That’s me.  I just have to work at the fresh perspective sometimes, while she gets it naturally each morning.  :-)

Thanks for reading, friends.  Thanks for this life, God.

(Warning: small adult humor moment at the beginning.)

The Lord has given me a number of small encouraging words in the past couple of weeks, to help me through each day.  Here are a few:

God has a wonderful plan for her birth, and He knows her birthday.   I had really struggled with feeling like this birth experience, no matter how healthy, might be as traumatic as my first birth experience.  So much labor, then a c-section anyway… or perhaps my body refusing to labor at all.  There was something about this “word” which encouraged me to remember that God has planned good for me and my baby, not evil.  This is not to say that bad can’t happen, but more to say that he can use it for good, like so many other times in my life.  I can stand on the truth of that and throw out those fears with much confidence.

She is worth it!  So many times when I hit a rough spot in life, I throw up my hands and say “I just want to be done!” or “Why do we have to go through this?!  I just want to be at home in heaven where there is no more pain, suffering, swollen feet, sore belly or body, or hormonal upheaval.”  I am learning to hold fast to that beautiful lyric “I am blessed beyond the curse” and claim that my daughter is worth it!  My children and family are worth it.  And, in doing that, I often find the grace that God talks about providing in these rough times.

Those are just a couple.  I have many more, but in the interest of not boring you with my ongoing emotional preggo crap which, quite honestly, bores me at times… I will just say that I am looking forward to being on the other side of this.  Yes, and I am thankful that I can feel that feeling — so many times I have seen others walk through a storm which has no definite end in sight… and that takes even more grace and clinging to the truths that God provides us than I have had to do… I admire those “Job” hearts to no end.

Lord, thank you for progress!  We ask for safe and swift delivery, today, in Jesus’ Name!