I have concluded that my conscience is untrustworthy. Or, at the very best, it does not have the “True North” that I thought it did. In fact, I often am overly sensitive about things that I should not feel bad about at all, at least not by counsel of those in my life I trust. Other times I realize that I am being careless about things I should think twice about.
For example, I can beat myself up for doing something silly or embarrassing (not wrong), but then I fail at other times to realize that a pattern of behavior is completely wrong. I might worry about the way my hair or makeup looks as though I am not living up to a social standard, but then I won’t think twice about being thoughtless toward my husband or children and can really hurt their feelings. Not cool!
I think a lot of things flavor this cup of tea. My family of origin shows a similar pattern, and can actually be prideful about taking care of others well… but then drop the ball on being compassionate toward each other. And my history of involvement in the church shows a definite trend toward honoring the legalistic Christian. Moreover, just this morning I realized I had adopted (or at least, reinforced) a mindset about not apologizing from a movie. I don’t think we can help these things any more than we can help living in this world, and it’s a life worth living — that goes without arguing, at least in this entry. 🙂
Suffice it to say that I am enjoying the process of stepping back from my values and beliefs to reexamine them as the Lord prompts me to… to make decisions and responses and not reactions, to the situations I face. It’s a new way of living for me.
Sometimes I feel a strain, as my brain goes, “No, I should respond this way, now!” But I have consistently found that it helps to occasionally wait a few moments, and look at my default patterns of response. Or, if the situation passes and becomes old news, I can usually bet that I will likely find myself in that situation again at some point… this time better armed with a response bathed in prayer and thoughtful reflection. It makes for a much more peaceful existence.
That’s all for now….. just thought I’d share!