Today I sit here, one day short of having a beautiful 5-week old baby girl. I am so thankful I can hardly stand it. I am healthy and so is the baby. My VBAC was successful, and this girl was nowhere near May 20th, 7 lbs. 3 oz. Ha, Ha! Try several days overdue with a month of false labor, and a startling 9 lbs 6 oz! Crazy! More on that at a later time, perhaps.
Many say, Oh, that we might see some good! Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O Lord. / You have put more joy and rejoicing in my heart than [they know] when their wheat and new wine have yielded abundantly. Psalm 4:6-7, Amplified Bible.
At the times when I am so stressed I just want to lose it, or at the times I wonder, was I crazy to have two children under the age of two? (my answer is no); when the laundry piles up and I can’t find anything… when I just want to watch an adult’s program on TV… when I just need to lie still and sleep a little longer… at those times, the verse above speaks to me. I might find myself saying the first part (the complaint), and can then hold on to the truth in the second part (the rejoicing).
Six years ago, I thought I’d NEVER get to have kids. I believed I would never meet anyone and be able to marry; that I would be alone so long that parts of my heart might embitter themselves permanently. Even the Scriptures say “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), and I felt pretty awful at that point. I rooted down where I could, with a community of people who seemed to have some goodness and godliness, but all the same I yearned for more. I could go on, but if you’ve been there, or are there, you don’t need me to, now do you!?
When I remember where I was then and see where I am now, I know I am truly blessed. I see the health (in spite of the semi-chaos or hormonal upheaval) and I see the beauty. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t walk around in constant negativity. I’m just processing the difficult moments and extreme satisfaction I am experiencing!
There is a baffling bittersweetness here: experiencing stress, but also deep peace. Frustrated, but also overwhelmed with incredulity, joy and humble thankfulness. This always reminds me of that scene in 50 First Dates where Drew Barrymore’s character wakes up to find herself married with a beautiful child and incredible view out her window. She’s at once both scared and intensely thrilled. That’s me. I just have to work at the fresh perspective sometimes, while she gets it naturally each morning. 🙂
Thanks for reading, friends. Thanks for this life, God.
(Warning: small adult humor moment at the beginning.)